cant sleep
cant cry anymore
cant lay in bed with my boys
cant deal with all the stress and worry
if we had any alcohol… I’d be drinking myself to sleep.
all of this is not helping the ppd… which is probably more like real depression now… I should talk to the doc in the morning about getting on an anti-depressant for a while.
I dont think I am going to be getting much more sleep… I know I am going to be dead tired… but I cant sleep.. my mind is racing… too many thoughts, doubts, worries.
I’m terrified that Jimmie has what Ryley (my niece who passed away) had… I dont want him have it… I want him to be a happy, healthy boy without a care in the world… hes not even a month old, and already it seems like hes falling apart.
First his biliruben (the jaundice) and now all of this… why didnt they say anything at the hospital about a heart murmur? I know Dr. Carl would have said something to me… but she was just there for the delivery…
When he was born, he wasnt breathing (respatory distress) does that anything to do with what is wrong with his heart? He has an irregular heartbeat…
What is wrong with him?? No one will tell me… And I have a right to know. I’m his mother, I carried him inside of me for 9 months, I gave birth to him after 15 hours of labor. I am doing everything I know fo ensure that he is ok… but its not enough… I dont know whats wrong with his little heart. His little heart that I have heard and seen beat for so long. His little heart that makes the rest of him live. His little heart that I love so much.
I’m going to go… maybe wake Chris up and sob on him for a while… I dont know…
