My VERY drunken thoughts on New Moon…

Warning, there might be spoilers, not that most of my readers care.

Not even five mins in… and hes sparkling

Please close your mouth, you look like a simpleton

Oh yay, they armed her with a camera for this movie *eyeroll*

And hes doing the slow mo walk entrance to bass heavy music

Holy horrible hairpiece batman…

Cliche’d gift of a dreamcatcher from the Native

Wow, that was the most unemotional, deadpanned reading of Romeo and Juliet I have ever heard

Yes because flinging her backwards ensures that she wont be hurt… oh wait… now its a much larger wound

Wow, I would believe his love for her more if he didnt look like he wanted to vomit at the thought

“You dont belong in my world” Translation: get of out my face bitch

Are you crying, or faking an orgasm while he breaks up with you?

She walked for hours in the woods… but when she turns around, she finally falls down… Thats NOT clumsy

Umm, no one notices the NAKED native man carrying an unconscience girl? Apparently her being alive is good enough

Slow rotating camera of her sitting to show the passage of time… ugh

Three months and more have passed, and shes plagued with nightmares and listless… and her father hasnt done anything? Talk about bad parenting

OH you stupid girl, yeah thats a GREAT idea

And apparently hes sending her mental images of him talking to warn her

Oh gods, shes going to do dangerous things to see him again

So now she turns to Native boy to help her make a motorcycle… And he happily agrees, because hes like… in like with her

And he seems to be a typical 16 year old boy… oh wait no, more like 12

Dude, I know youre like Native and shit, but I know they have hair brushes on the Reservations. Use one

Hah she fell off the bike and smacked into a rock… a really big rock

Omg, what is with all of the age jokes in this movie…

Why are all of these guys fawning over her? She plain at best… AT BEST

Oh now hes cut his hair, no more horrible hair piece for him

And another guy says he cant be friends with her. Shouldnt that mean something by now?

Oh gods, he used the “its not you, its me” line

Why has no one gotten her help for her obvious obsessive habits and depression?

And here come the Weres

He parkors to her room, why?

I think this whole movie is an excuse to have Native boy half naked most of the time

And now she knows for sure that hes a Were

Really, “So the wolf’s out of the bag”?

Wait, the whole purpose of the Weres in this are to kill vamps? A vamp moves into town, and they get a “fever” and change… Uhh

Since when did all the vamps start having red contacts? I mean, red eyes…

If she knocked her head hard enough to be knocked out… there should be blood dangit

When did this become Smallville? ‘Beefcake’ is constantly naked, wet, or both.

Damn shes dumb… Dont go in there dumb bitch

More slow-mo walking for vamp boy

Why is she slow-mo running. Theres nothing there to bounce in a pleasing way

They are reunited, and hes suppose to be passionate, and he just looks like he wants to vomit

Why is changing into a Were called “phasing” its a bit too sci-fi for me. “Shifting” is way more accurate I think

Damn his hair is like a white boy’s fucked up afro… its horrid

Why are they so possessive of her? Why the dueling dicks? Shes NOT worth it.

Damn, dont tell a dude you love him when you’re turning a guy down, thats such a cunt move.

Someone please rip her head off… PLEASE

Seriously? You’ll only turn her if she marries you? UNHEALTHY

Filed under: Rants