Take Your Judgement Elsewhere…
One of the main differences between my sister and I growing up has always been her striving to be popular. I never really cared, I was happy being the “weird kid” in 3rd grade who could read a 100 novel without help.
Despite my desire to go through life to the beat of my own drum. I realized something in early middle school.
I was lonely.
Lonely to the point that self-harm seemed very appropriate. Because I didnt have any close friends to speak of, not really. I had a small group of people I sometimes hung out with, but I lacked the herd of people that my sister seemed to have.
It bears noting that, no, my sister and I did not get along, for most of our lives she pretty much hated me, and her anger made me hate myself. My relationship with my sister is another post, obviously.
So, here I was, in 7th grade, no close friends to speak, hating everything about myself, and wondering what was “wrong” with me that people would dislike me so much. I barely spoke, I didnt have much of a voice, I was content reading my books, and making good grades. And trying to ignore my tormentors.
I should also note, I was an “early bloomer”, summer after 5th grade Mother Nature decided to curse/bless me with a rack no person with my build should ever have.
It got me more attention than I wanted. Thankfully, my sister in utter dislike of me, made it so most people left me alone. Sure I was shoved into a locker now and then, but there was rarely anything more physical than that.
It wasnt until we moved to a very tiny town that I learned just how hateful humanity is.
I was once again teased and humiliated on a regular basis, largely because I dressed and acted very differently than the people that lived there. Plus it was a small town, most of the people I went to school with had lived there all their lives, and had families going back several generations.
I did not belong there.
The girls I went to school with let it be known that I was a “witch” and a whore, and was unwelcome in their social lives. Unless, of course, they required some sort of help on homework. Though they expected my “help” to be doing it for them.
The guys, now there was something. In a town of 6000 people, in Texas, it was a Football Town. The guys that played were gods, and they tried to treat me like some back alley ten cent whore. All of it based on rumors and my impressive rack.
Was it fair to me? Hell no.
All of this compiled into a nice mountain of depression and self-harm.
I just wanted to be treated like a human being.
And I didnt want to be lonely anymore.
But the people I was surrounded by everyday continued to judge me, and hate me, all because I was different.
That sort of blind hate has led 3 of my close friends growing up to commit suicide. I very nearly became one of those numbers, several times.
Looking back on my life, I do realize that I could have acted more like other people, and would probably have been accepted more by people. But it wouldnt have been me that they liked, it would have been another “sheep” for the flock.
Now, even though I dont have a large group of friends, the ones I have are precious to me.
I never wanted to be popular, I just wanted someone to like me for ME.
